Disconnect and Self-destruct one bullet at a time
Saturday, June 30
I’m all spent and worn out, like a wad of candle wax lying where a candle was a just a few hours before. And to top it all off, volatile ideas once more formed in my mind, like mists of smoke dancing to the tune of seduction, only to vanish before I even got the chance to stain the paper with my mind.
The past week has easily been a hell week for me, not because of academics(although I’d like to point out just how surprisingly heavy this sem’s load is compared to last year), but because of too much free time. Not exactly free time, wasted time to be more precise, that stemmed from my non-existent time management skills. And it was during those idle ill-wasted hours that my mind started to rot.
The past week now just seems distant and blurry, as if the events in my life were just some part of a movie I’m subserviently watching. All I remember is being pissed off at one thing or another, and then just silence and emptiness after all the hatred and rage has chewed up and burnt up my insides. At one point, I think I was suicidal, but there was no bitterness or resignation, just the dull ache of the afterimage of these emotions. It wasn’t about not being able to withstand the pressures of life, in fact it seemed that life has lost its hassles, and it was just clear that death is inevitable, and what happens between birth and death is simply insignificant. So why don’t we just speed things up?
I dunno what’s wrong with me...
It might as well be thinking that something’s wrong with me.
thrown by A.Paul @ 00:09,
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The Epitome of Uncertainty and Incoherence
Friday, June 8
I wish I had killed someone, or committed some other heinous a long time ago.
The whisper that echoes through my mind as I picture myself blowing a cake, because in few minutes, I would cease to be a kid and I would be tried and punished to the fullest extent of the Law. By midnight, I would officially be an adult citizen.
18 years, and I'm still wobbling in my baby legs, walking down a path that leads to nowhere, groping desperately for purpose in this meaningless existence. Nearly two decades have past, but they have lost their meaning, if they ever had a meaning. It was as if all this time I've been sleeping, occasionally waking up only to find out that the calendar has a new number on it. And each time trying to look back but only see a recurring dream:
A dream of a man lying prostrate on the ground, as everything around him zooms by, whirling, dancing, evolving, and dying. The world passes by in the blink of an eye, and in the end is just an old cobblestone country road, extending into the horizon. The road was straight, defined, and cleared. And at the end of the road was the warm promise of light, seductive, enticing, and elusive. But now that he has reached the line where the horizon was, he sees nothing but dull grey skies blocking out the sun, covering the road in long deep shadows, shadows of a man distant yet unsettingly and disturbingly, familiar.
So here I am lying down on what could be my deathbed, trying to contemplate on the last minutes of my life. Should I put an end to it all now, hold this life in my hands and choke it, strangle it, and castrate it? Or wait another year, a decade, or even a century for those last few minutes, wait for the right time to hear the sound of her wings, and finally recieve her gift, or the high cost of living? Neither, because now is not the right time.
For now, I'll live on, looking forward to that day. Living a life, that would someday, be worth ending at last.
Labels: doldrums, Hapi Bday, suicidal
thrown by A.Paul @ 23:53,
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See, I told ya i wasn't addicted -- well, not very much
Thursday, June 7
| You Are 73% Addicted to the Internet |
 In your opinion, life without the internet is hardly worth living. Could be, but you probably need a bit more fresh air and sunshine to think clearly. |
Labels: crap
thrown by A.Paul @ 15:10,
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Down with the SYSTEM!!!
Wednesday, June 6
I'm sick as shit with this damn bureaucracy we have. Specifically the one we have in UPD. Forms, slips, stamps, clearances, countersigning, student numbers, class codes, and all that shit with unreadable strings of characters. I've finally finished enrolling for the 1st sem, but there's still one subject I'm thinking of taking, meaning that I would have to revisit hell to get some tiny numbers on this small shit of paper, we call the Form 5. I would have to beg some professor to accept me as another addition to an already overcrowded class, then find the needle in the haystack my adviser is, then submit the form to the dean's office for them to apply a few drops of ink in the form of the dean's name. F*ck that.
I almost went ballistic this afternoon on my adviser, after he refused to sign my forms without first handing out my grades. Ok, it may seem that it's obviously reasonable for a student to first present his records before he can take on more advanced subjects, but I've already submitted the prerequisite grades for those higher courses, and the ones that I haven't submitted are only those under GE (General Education), so I begged to my adviser to just sign the friggin sheet and I'll take care of those grades first thing in the morning the day after, so as to make it before the cutoff time for payments. But he insisted, so I had no choice but to zoom around the campus as fast as humanly possible to get a copy of my grades. Add to that, the fact that I partly blame the advisers for my failure to enlist for another subject the day before.
But I guess, that I've been irrational, and my adviser isn't really to blame for my misfortunes. He is, after all, just another overqualified but seriously underpaid professor in this country's university system. The problem really is with the system.
First off, enrolling still feels like we're living in the dark ages, a superstitious time bereft of the comforts of advanced technology. Yes, we already have the CRS, but most of the transactions in the university is still done by paperwork, which means that rather than augment and optimize the process, the CRS becomes an unnatural mole strapped to the spine of the University's backbone. It does nothing to combat long gruesome lines, humid overcrowded enlistment rooms, and sore feet swollen from all that walking from one building to the next.
Then there's the RGEP, the Revised General Education Program, which just says that we students are free to choose whatever GE subjects we take, as long as the subjects we choose fall under the categories set by the curriculum of our course. It may seem blissful to have total control of your schedule, and be free from the clutches of block schedules, but believe me it's a nightmare if done by paperwork. The only time you'll be to enjoy the full benefits of this program is in your freshman and graduating years, when you're the top priority in the CRS, thus saving you from the torment of manual enlistment.
But then, who am I kidding, they won't change the system just because some whiner blogged about it. Nor will they improve it after some rallies and demonstrations, well, maybe they will, after months of meetings and debates on interpretations of the University rules and regulations. And in the end, they'll probably end up drafting something that would work out completely against the students, much like the TOFI fiasco last year. *sigh*
Labels: rants
thrown by A.Paul @ 22:25,
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Ashen Clouds
Beneath this ceiling of gray, are the remains of what was once a man. A man who chose to thread a path of gravel and granite, to desensitize himself to and with the cold embrace of stone. He forged a mask from the minute pieces of a shattered mirror, each piece a window to a specific persona concealed by the ghoul clothed in the semblance of flesh, and each persona more distant than the last yet disturbingly familiar.
And thus an exoskeleton was formed, with the sole purpose of damming the potent concoction of emotions swirling about. But the time came, and soon thereafter the dam defeated its purpose, imploding everything inside of it in a brilliant flash of darkness.
Now the statue lays in ruins, crumbling away in the hollow gales of a silent storm.
**image snatched from Goha7777**
Labels: doldrums, uninspired
thrown by A.Paul @ 00:08,
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