Contrary to what I had expected, I managed to somehow enjoy my vacation to the province this Holy Week. Apparently, I had been blind and looked at it in only a narrow perspective. I wasn't really looking forward to the trip, due to reasons which I now consider as superficial, i.e. how time consuming the journey will be (from Cavite to Tarlac), the costly toll fee, the sweltering heat, the lack of cable TV and internet access, weak cellphone signals, in short, plain ennui. Add to that the fact that I didn't really like most of my relatives. But as it turns out, it was quite refreshing to see my folks back there once more since I havent seen them for quite a while. The trip gave me the opportunity to meet the uhm, for lack of a better term, my long lost relatives. It also gave me the opportunity to enjoy the local dirty ice cream once more which I have loved as a child. And most importantly, amidst the serenity and silence of the place (save for the eternal ramble of the pasyon), it gave me the chance to mull things over, to look back at my life.

As I dozed off in the hammock, watching the procession of people following the salagubat (penitents, those who whip themselves or carry a big wooden cross while wearing black cloth on thier heads), I began to think of my religious, or at least my spiritual life. Although I attended a Catholic School, I was not really raised as a Catholic at home. My mom was a born-again and imparted her ways to me when I was still a child. And so Catholicism didn't really form a sturdy root in me. I transferred to another school when I reached high school, and I started to learn about Buddhism, Judaism, Confucianism. I became less and less attached to Catholicism as I began to borrow ideas and concepts on how to live your life in this different religions.

But as I pondered it profoundly, I realized that I was fooling myself into thinking that i was agnostic, when in truth i was more of a pragmatist, that I did not really believe in these things genuinely, but rather believed in the practicality of declaring that these were the principles that I stood up for. But in truth these were simply lies to equivocate who I truly was inside.

I realized how all of us were victims of capitalism and commercialism. Not simply commercialism of products but the advertising of values. The way the society dictates how we should behave ourselves , how we should look on life, how should believe in their goddamn cliches and shibboleths. This how we end up lost and betrayed with nowhere to run to. It is a fate that is often of our own compulsive making. But more than that, we fail to act in a society bereft of decency and justice. We are here in this desolate and brutal geography, this world of ours. This wretched place filled with hypocrisy and pretensions hidden in every little pleasantry.

About Me

Name: A.Paul

Location: Antarctica

A quirky social recluse who, in his spare time, tries to catch as much of his fleeting thoughts and smack his brain onto paper to create an excuse for literature.

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